Time

I don’t understand how time works sometimes. It’s like simultaneously flying and dragging. I can’t believe that tomorrow will be two weeks since we lost mom. In some regards it feels like one second ago and in others I feel like 4 lifetimes have passed. How does this happen? Why does the brain allow this juxtaposition? They say when you are experiencing something new such as traveling to a new place, that time goes very slowly. It’s how a weekend away to a new place, or even a familiar place, feels like a week long vacation because you’re removed from your usual routine. While somethings have felt usual over the last two weeks, most things have not. I am flying through the usual daily steps, going to the same places and living in the same home. But the world does not feel the same as I give myself small little bursts of time to allow the truth to rush over my mind and feel the void of us not having my mom any longer. I don’t let it happen for long, just little bursts or during an uncontrollable moment like watching Wicked and knowing how much she would have loved it and never being able to discuss it with her. Or when Hugo asked me how old I was when I lost my grandma and I told him I was 39. I told him what a gift it was to nearly enter my 40s knowing my grandma and having the pleasure of introducing my kids to her. My mom will never know great grandchildren and it would have been such a joy for her if she had. These are moments that make time stand still while flying by around me. How is it already February? How is it already 2025? How many more hours till I am finished working? How long till the kids go to bed and I can relax? How long till I get to go get the kids? How long till they’re back with me? So many contradictory thoughts about time. I guess the best thing to do is not to waste it. That’s my thought for now.