Jill Up the hill

Author: Jillian Diana

  • Celebration of Life Remarks

    I wanted to post the words I shared at my mom’s service. While I flubbed a few times, I still feel like I gave her a nice tribute. Please enjoy.

    ——–

    Thank you all for being here today. My name is Jillian, and JoJo was my mom. Throughout my life, I’ve stood before many audiences—friends, colleagues, graduates, a wedding toast—but nothing compares to this moment. It’s a profound mix of love and pain, feeling so grateful for our time with her while grappling with the reality of her absence. Katie and I are incredibly thankful for each of you who have gathered here to honor her memory with us, as well as those who are here in spirit. The whirlwind of arrangements and tasks has kept me so busy I don’t think I have even truly conceptualized that she is gone. But I know that accepting this loss is a process, one that will unfold when my heart and mind are ready to embrace it. Today, I want to share who she was to me, and some of my favorite things about her.

    As I wrote in the obituary, mom was a woman of many talents. She was a true creator. She painted, scrap booked, sewed, gardened, played guitar. So many tangible things came from her hands and many of us have experienced the joy in sharing her gifts. We hope you were able to see some of these things that we brought to share with you today. The guitar out there was her first ever, the one she’d play feverishly trying to get all the notes, no mistakes. The Christmas crafts were projects we watched her create, one step at a time.

    Beyond what she did with her hands, it was what she did with her spirit and energy that I appreciate the most. Mom was not the type of person to reach a maximum number of friends. She was a connector and a relator and a nurturer. She would tell me about somebody new that she met somehow and then boom. New friend. People older than her, people much younger than her. Mostly women. She put in the effort to fostering these new relationships, another trait of hers that I’m grateful to have. Her heart was always open wide for the next person for her to learn something from, and to teach something to. At Christmas time last year, she came over and joined some friends of mine to decorate my house with the kids and I. As you likely know, she loved Christmas décor, holiday cheer and everything that comes with it. She took a keen interest in one of my friends that she hadn’t spent a lot of time with and when she woke up the next morning, she texted and said “Can you send me Belen’s number? We talked about a few recipes I want to share with her. Gosh I really liked her” and boom. New friend. That was mom, there was always space for more people in her heart.

    Mom was an incredible mom. When I was young it was back scratches and cooking lessons. More recently it was story telling and sharing insights on aging, parenting, marriage and divorce—always a source of comfort. But the role I think excited her most was that of being a grandparent. She wanted nothing more than to be with her grandchildren every day once they existed on earth. I remember us noticing a very silly characteristic in my son that he got from his grandma. For both, when they smile, their eyes almost disappear, and when he smiled big we would say “You’ve got those Grandma JoJo eyes”  Maybe it’s big precious cheeks, maybe its small eyes, I don’t know. I just know that when Hugo smiles big, his eyes nearly disappear, and I will always think of my mom. Katie and I wanted to ask if her 6 grandchildren could come to the stage. Katie, in having her own creative flair has made each of the kids an epoxy charm with her ashes.

    As Katie and I have collected and gone through her things, we have been refreshing our memories on things of the past while simultaneously learning new things about our mom along the way. We came across a scrap book she made going into the year 2000. It was a bucket list of things she wanted to do in the new millennium and I’ve had them printed out to share. I thought it was so fun to find this and learn new things about her. Like did any of you know she wanted to build a clock? Or to be featured in a magazine for ‘something cool’? She wanted to Meet Nicholas Cage, Madonna and Oprah, although as my aunt said last night, more than likely meeting Joana Gains would have been on a revised version. I hope you find some joy in reading some of her bucket list items—several of which she did indeed see through. I would love to hear about any of your adventures that are inspired by mom’s bucket list.

    To wrap this up, mom loved deeply and wanted nothing but the best for those she loved. I have many characteristics and talents by being raised in her world. The lessons she leaves me, and the rest of us with, are to cherish the connections we make, to embrace creativity, and to live fully and joyously. Let’s honor her memory by embodying those lessons, by welcoming new friendships, and by taking the time to pursue our own dreams—big and small.

    Thank you for being here, for sharing in our grief, and for celebrating the remarkable woman she was. Let’s continue to share our memories, keep her legacy alive, and support one another as she would have wanted.

  • Time

    I don’t understand how time works sometimes. It’s like simultaneously flying and dragging. I can’t believe that tomorrow will be two weeks since we lost mom. In some regards it feels like one second ago and in others I feel like 4 lifetimes have passed. How does this happen? Why does the brain allow this juxtaposition? They say when you are experiencing something new such as traveling to a new place, that time goes very slowly. It’s how a weekend away to a new place, or even a familiar place, feels like a week long vacation because you’re removed from your usual routine. While somethings have felt usual over the last two weeks, most things have not. I am flying through the usual daily steps, going to the same places and living in the same home. But the world does not feel the same as I give myself small little bursts of time to allow the truth to rush over my mind and feel the void of us not having my mom any longer. I don’t let it happen for long, just little bursts or during an uncontrollable moment like watching Wicked and knowing how much she would have loved it and never being able to discuss it with her. Or when Hugo asked me how old I was when I lost my grandma and I told him I was 39. I told him what a gift it was to nearly enter my 40s knowing my grandma and having the pleasure of introducing my kids to her. My mom will never know great grandchildren and it would have been such a joy for her if she had. These are moments that make time stand still while flying by around me. How is it already February? How is it already 2025? How many more hours till I am finished working? How long till the kids go to bed and I can relax? How long till I get to go get the kids? How long till they’re back with me? So many contradictory thoughts about time. I guess the best thing to do is not to waste it. That’s my thought for now.

  • About Mom

    [unedited please don’t judge- will review again in the future. Just wanted to get some thoughts out] I think one of the best things I can do in times of pain and sorrow is to share. It felt way too personal to do that in any sort of a blogging or public way when my marriage was in shambles but sharing what I loved about my mom feels right. It’s a relatable sentiment and doesn’t deaminize another human in the way that talking about how Kris hurt me would have.

    It has been ten days since mom died. I cried that day and maybe a little bit the next day, but it hadn’t happened since, or much. I did got emotional when dozens of friends and family left messages on our social media posts with memories and what they loved and expressing their deepest condolences. It is not as though I feel like my feelings or things in my life shouldn’t matter to others, I do. But there was still something so incredible moving and deeply touching about people who didn’t even know my mom, expressing so much sympathy and care for what Katie and I are going through.

    Mom was 67 and far too young to be taken from us. I don’t think I have fully grasped the void. Never again on July 10th will I wake up to a text from her bc aside from some European friends who send a facebook or Instagram bday message, Mom was always the first birthday message I received, every year. Before texting, it was a phone call. She was always so excited to celebrate me, even when I would roll my eyes at her enthusiasm I always felt her love and knew I was lucky.

    One of the things that I’ve learned this week was that I get my note taking from her. I have a box of notebooks, so many notes she wrote about all sorts of things. Many were just nothing. To do items like “reschedule blablabla appointment” or “call vet about Rosie” but she also seemed to leave herself notes like she thought she was going to forget. I know she said she thought her memory was failing so I think maybe she was leaving herself notes. Or like me, wanting to get important thoughts out. It’s why I have journals and scattered notes all over the place.

    A good friend got me a book called the invisible string and the kids and I sat down to read it on the couch together. I knew it would deal with “dealing with death” for kids and wasn’t sure what to expect but hadn’t done a pre read so here we went. It was a really cute book and the kids new exactly why I was reading it, and noticed immediately when I got emotional. At one point Hugo said “Mom are you crying?” and I said yes and kept reading. When it got to the part about having an invisible string with someone in heaven Esme said “Can we have an invisible string to grandma JoJo?” and it was just so hard. I said yes and kept it mostly together. But my heart was breaking all over.

    The love and support from women in my life who never even met my mom or were close with her still baffles me. Again, I know I am worthy of love, I know people care about me. But I continue to be so incredibly moved and touched by the people who give such a selfish demonstration of love for me. Whether it is an offer of help in the form of labor around my home, meals, hugs, whatever. I fall apart every time.

    There are many women who were friends with my mom when she was a young mom. She was the kind of person who maintained her relationships. Another characteristic I have from her. I don’t lose friendships unless they no longer serve me. Even if there are people I don’t speak to often and we just see social media posts, my connections and relationships are my most valued asset in life. She never stopped wanting to build and grow her network. Even one day at my house while decorating for Christmas, the next day she asked me for my friends phone number because the two of them had been chatting and mom wanted to share a recipe with her. Belen had met her on other occasions but this time they connected. And I feel like mom would have continued to stay connected with her, even if randomly to simply share a recipe or for them to exchange a thought or memory about their mutual connection (me!). She was just, like that. Even when she didn’t have space for new friends she would always let someone in that she was interested in.

    It has been suggested that Hugo learn cursive because he is having trouble with writing. Mom’s penmanship was something I would obsess over. Looking at notebook pages of her words, her doodles and her entries on things like calendars, addressbooks and of course her day planner. Another one of those traits I have from her…. The inability to go entirely digital with my planner. I continue to purchase fully personalized planners and live and die by what is recorded. Unlike her though, I didn’t save my prior years as archives! She was something of a saver, a packrack, a “I might need this” or “it’s important to save this” kind of person.

    Mom loved music. Some of my earliest memories of life in June Lake involve weekends at home listening to music very loud from speakers that were taller than me. She loved to sing, dance, and clap while she sang and danced. I really can see it now. She loved Madonna and Wilson Phillips as far as popular music from that era, but she really loved so much. She loved music in film, music from her childhood or adolescence and was of course a talented guitar player. She played in church, she played for friends, and I honestly wish I would have asked her to play more. I loved when she did but was never grateful enough of her talent. My love of music comes from both my parents equally, and I am as thankful as ever for that.

    That’s it for now. I’ll edit this again. Just wanted to put some thoughts out there. More will come, and I’ll take more care in editing. 😉

  • 2024 Highlights List

    In no particular order, here are some of the things that brought me the most joy this year. Trips, objects, feelings, habits, experiences, behaviors and interactions with others are the primary themes:

    • Taylor Swift concert in Indianapolis
    • Four trips to Orange County
    • Bestie road trip to Las Vegas
    • Nurturing relationships old and new
    • A flexible job
    • My first tattoo
    • Self discovery
    • Healing
    • Telling stories
    • Slow coffees alone on a Sunday morning
    • Cocktail experimentation with friends and family
    • Sister time
    • Girls nights
    • Watching my kids bond with other children
    • Peloton work outs
    • Trivia group
    • Smut book club
    • New roommate
    • All 3 kids at one school
    • Sadly closing the pre-school chapter
    • Daily wordling
    • Salads as my life force
    • Snap streaks
    • Red lipstick
    • Wine club case orders
    • Rock collection with the kids
    • Talking dirty
    • Rearranging furniture
    • Reorganizing my disorganized house
    • Sweet deals on nice things
    • Yard work

    Some things I hope to add for 2025

    • Painting walls inside my house
    • Starting on renovations or; Making decisions about this house
    • Gardening
    • Pickling
    • More solid work out plans
    • Better organization of the kids schedules, routines, and learning
    • Being divorced
  • 2024 thoughts & recap

    2024 thoughts & recap

    I love the idea of putting some reflective words here. They become a time capsule of my thoughts and memories similar to the way I treat my Instagram as my digital scrapbook. In my 20’s I had a blog, more of a digital journal that I would use to share stories about trips, give updates on the kids and share the occasional new year thoughts. I never made it a good habit to post regularly. I am in process of obtaining the writing from the old blog and hope to add them here as archives. I plan to make story telling a bigger part of my life. I have lots to say and want to remember it all!

    Time has been absolutely wild. I know. It’s nearly 2025 and the years keep flying by faster and faster. While I feel like so much of my world remains in limbo and chaos as I settle the terms of my divorce, I also know that so much progress has been made in the personal and undefined journey I am on in this new single person and single parent life. While I hope to go into lots of detail on all sorts of topics in future posts, I think I’ll keep this to a surface level reflection on the year. 

    First of all, wow my hair really grew this year. Not the most inciteful place to start, but I just watched all my monthly photo dumps on my TikTok and it really surprised me to see. In January it was maybe an inch or so past my collar bone, and now it’s practically nipple length. I like the idea of being able to see change because so much of the change I feel like I have gone through over the last year has been invisible. So there. Some visible change: My hair. Lets see what else changed.

    Next. Single parenthood is still something I am getting my arms around. I find myself going from absolute joy to absolute frustration (followed by guilt) in two seconds flat. Raising children to be independent, kind, smart, helpful, emotionally intelligent adults is not for the faint of heart. It’s a job I feel I both suck at and thrive at, daily. I take genuine pleasure in my weeks with them, and my weeks without them because doing it alone is just as much of a gift as it is terribly hard. I feel lucky to have such amazing healthy human offspring. They love me more than I could have ever imagined someone would love me, and my love for them is not even something I can put into words. It’s emojis, sensations, and things that make your tummy flip over when you least expect it. It feels messy and wild and honestly, its improvisation at its finest. It’s something I’ve stopped trying to control. It just exists and is the most beautiful and magical thing. This drives how I cart-wheel through single parenthood.  

    Another gift I am thankful for: the incredible people we have in our lives. The kids and I as a pack have many families and friends that we spend our time with. We blend together into groups of people that we feel comfortable and safe being who we really are (super fun people). We love to nurture these relationships and watch them grow. While I had always fantasized about moving to a new city after college, I feel very lucky to live in a community I have been in for so long and to draw from all the different sectors of people we have around us. The notion that “it takes a village” has never felt more true. I love my village and am so incredibly grateful for it. There are so many people who love on us and love on me. Old friendships are reinvented and new friends feel like they’ve been here for ages. It’s beautiful.

    Taylor Swift (I know, major eye roll from a lot of you) continues to be a daily fixture in my world. It started in 2023 as I was going through a significant life change (the end of my marriage). I had always loved her music. She was all over the playlists I made for the kids and I, and we loved watching all her videos on YouTube. But at this particular time, I found it therapeutic to listen to her lyrics and relate them to my own world as it shifted. I felt like I was able to reflect differently on myself and on my relationship in new/different ways. I learned that rebirth is a lovely feeling, that sitting in anger, despair and fear is how you move forward, and that being who you are, even if it is not what everyone expects, is FINE. That to be a little bit bad is a taboo but necessary part of life. And lastly that my love story was nowhere close to what it could be or what I am capable of having. I think what she and I have in common is a desire to share our words when things are hard. Some would say I overshare, and I know it’s true. But it’s part of my process and I have a feeling, the same is true for her. It’s how we move through. I love her emotional and bold rage, it always hits when I need it.  

    There were quite a few little trips this year mostly just Southern CA and Tahoe which happen to be my two favorite places so I am satisfied!

    February: The kids and I to Orange County for some cousin fun and one day at Disneyland 
    May: I went to Orange County for moms only Disneyland with Shelby
    June-September had MANY Lake Tahoe Trips. I became obsessed with the afternoon arrival and staying until it’s dark. The sunsets were epic.  
    June: Mammoth with the kids and Shelby and her kids 
    July: Elko for the Basque Festival; Orange County and a quickie day to San Diego for the zoo with auntie and a night at the beach with cousins.
    November: Indianapolis for Taylor Swift; Orange County for Thanksgiving

    While I didn’t leave the country this year, I hope to next year. Scotland, Spain and Mexico are calling my name very loud.  

    As of the Fall 2024 school year, all three kids are finally at the same school. Hugo is in third grade, Cora is in second grade, and Esme started kindergarten. These kids have gone through a lot of change in the last two years but their cohesion as a little sibling pack remains so incredibly strong. They may switch households and parents from week to week but they remain steadfast for each other and provide the foundation and stability they need.

    Hugo (9) is curious, likes to do things with his hands such as building with legos or miscellaneous household items. He often takes this a bit too far, but it’s part of the learning process. He loves music like his mom, he thinks anything Tesla is amazing, and despite being on the more shy side, he always loves when we get to hang out with our people- classic extroverted introvert. Cora (8), my middle child in every sense, is so enthusiastic. She lets this energy out by literally jumping and prancing around constantly. She is my most emotional creature, she feels her feelings deeply. I also really see her stepping into the eldest daughter role. She has a helpful and nurturing heart for people around her and is beautiful to see. She loves school and learning and is presently reading with so much confidence. And Esme (6). My cucumber loving and most deliberate and thoughtful child. Really until summer, I still feel like I had her categorized as a toddler. Her language felt limited compared to her siblings and she was the youngest most…. needy? But she has bloomed fully into a little girl, speaking her mind and making sure I know that she is capable of more than I give her credit for. She is thriving in kinder, loves her teacher and friends and they love her back. It is precious to watch.
     

    To summarize, it’s been a great year of planting seeds and watching them grow: relationship growth, healing and habits all take time. Being intentional and making memories remain core objectives. I have learned more about myself, my kids and about the world than I would have ever thought. I know I still have open wounds and areas for growth that I continue to ignore but I give myself grace and am doing what I always do: Enjoy the ride with the music on loud.

    More later, friends. Lots of love and gratitude to you. Cheers!

  • Hello World!

    Hello World!

    Required first introductory post! I have begun to fully embrace the profile name I had been using on Peloton: Jillupthehill. It was very cycle appropriate but also punny and cute (like me!). Overall it is metaphorical for where I find myself in life. I am climbing up hills and sliding back down them, falling over, but jumping back in the saddle. I laugh a lot, I hide my tears, I don’t stop talking but also love to listen. Music lover, recovering people pleaser, cocktail shaker, wannabe dancer. Very often ignoring the destination and enjoying the journey. Here we go, up and down these hills!